If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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