Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize