so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
