Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
