me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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