Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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