you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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