Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
