you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
