Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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