Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
