She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
