i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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