When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
