Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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