I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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