This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
