1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
