She is in my trunk
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize