It's Friday. Sex?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
