There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
