I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize