i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
