I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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