Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
