I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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