sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize