Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
