He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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