I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
