Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
