there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
