when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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