I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My butt remains clenched, sir.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
