I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize