i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
