I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
