Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You were trust falling into bushes
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