I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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