well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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