how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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