her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
