so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
