im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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