I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
