He kissed a someone with a penis
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize