I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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