Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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