John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
