My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
