Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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