And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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