I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
