I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
