i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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