I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
