i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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