wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize